Ninjas Don't Talk In Their Sleep
by Hidoi Makaronioji-san
Summary: Ninjas don't talk in their sleep - or do they? Kakashi and Sasuke make some revelations during a nap. A freak-out fic with some shounen ai content, recommended to people who are sugar high.


**Ninjas don't talk in their sleep**  
  
Note: The characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi -tachi.

Rating: PG-13 [for perverted talk xP]

Genre: Humor. Nothing else.  
  
This fic was written by the Crazy Siblings [me, Deer and the other member of the Shrimp Girls]. We were just making up our foolish stuff like always and somehow it ended up as a fic. Don't read unless tolerant towards shounen ai or have a good sense of humor. We're really sorry. --;;

* * *

Naruto-tachi stood in snow and were cold. It was several degrees of frost and snow reached to their knees. They were, once again, waiting for their sensei who was, as usual, late.  
  
"Kuso!" swore Naruto as some snow fell into his collar. Sasuke and Sakura watched almost amused as he jumped around trying to get the snow out.  
  
"You should have worn a scarf", Sasuke snorted. As soon as he had said those words they heard a hoot from behind:  
  
"Hello, everyone!"  
  
"You're late!" screamed Naruto and Sakura as they turned around - to see Kakashi-sensei wearing a huge, crimson scarf which covered his face so that he didn't need his mask.  
  
For a moment they stood staring at him, not knowing what to do. It didn't seem to disturb Kakashi who started to read his book [Icha Icha Christmas]. Then suddenly both Naruto and Sakura grabbed their stomaches and began to laugh.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Kakashi, not realizing that the two shinobis were laughing at his scarf. Sasuke sighed as the two fell on the ground but quickly jumped up again because of the snow.  
  
"No - nothing", told Sakura while Inner Sakura kept laughing hysterically. Naruto was silenced only after Sasuke had stuffed some snow into his mouth.  
  
"All right, folks", Kakashi started as Naruto coughed the snow out. "It's time to start."  
  
"What is it this time, sensei?" asked Sasuke. Kakashi's scarf moved a little, which showed them that he was smiling.  
  
"I've hidden five pine cones in this forest. Your job is to find them. The one who finds the most is treated - "  
  
"Raamen!" screamed Naruto happily. The other students weren't as happy as him.  
  
"Yeah, if he or she wants", continued Kakashi-sensei.  
  
"But how are we supposed to recognize them? There are thousands of pine cones in that forest!" yelled Sakura.  
  
"That's exactly the trick. Now, off you go", Kakashi stated and shooed them away so that he could continue reading. After eight hours all the students were back. Sakura had collected two bright-coloured cones, Sasuke also had two and Naruto had brought half of the forest with him. Kakashi examined his pile of cones and found a pink one.  
  
"So, what shall I do?" he pondered. "Sasuke and Sakura both had two cones."  
  
"I want raamen", cried Naruto and tried to steal Sasuke's cones, but failed after Sasuke had given him a big bump. Kakashi ignored him and told them:  
  
"I thought you'd have been faster, now we have to get the prize tomorrow. I hope you had food with you, because otherwise you're going to be very hungry tonight."  
  
"That's unfair!" Naruto cried again, he apparently was hungry. Kakashi threw him an onigiri and told them to get some sleep. He sat in the snowdrift and fell asleep immediately.  
  
"Geez", muttered Naruto and ate the onigiri. Sasuke had also fallen asleep on the snow, but Sakura was sitting under a tree.  
  
"It's so cold... how can those two sleep here?" she complained.  
  
"Easily", answered Kakashi. Both Naruto and Sakura flinched and stared at him, but he was still snoring, sounding extremely cheerful.  
  
"He's sleep-talking!" giggled Naruto. He let out a couple of evil laughs and grinned at his sensei, who was unaware of his amusement. Sakura seemed not interested, but Inner Sakura was also amused by Kakashi.  
  
"Of course. All good ninjas can talk in their sleep", explained the sleeping Kakashi-sensei. Again, the two students stared at him, but he kept snoring peacefully.  
  
"Hey, now that he's sleeping, we can see what he really looks like!" Naruto realized and crawled nearer. Sakura shook her head.  
  
"It's not going to work, he won't let you, even if he's sleeping", she told him, but Inner Sakura held her fingers crossed.  
  
"Go for it, Naruto!" she yelled, but unfortunately Naruto couldn't hear her.  
  
Naruto approached Kakashi with a suspicious grin on his face - he was just reaching for the scarf, when Kakashi's hand suddenly grabbed his and the man murmured:  
  
"Hands off, Naruto. It's cold enough already."  
  
Naruto's grin disappeared immediately. How did he know Naruto was there? Sakura was as confused as he was.  
  
"How... how did he know...?"  
  
"I'm a good jounin", Kakashi-sensei answered. "They've got great reflexes." Then he started to snore again.  
  
For a while Naruto stood still with a large question mark hovering over his head. "That Kakashi-sensei, keeps boasting even when sleeping", he thought by himself and snorted resentfully.  
  
"Besides, you smell of raamen miles away", continued Kakashi all of a sudden.  
  
"WHAAAT?!" screamed Naruto, blushing of embarrassment and anger. Sakura, who was so sleepy that had almost fallen asleep despite the cold, burst into laughter and giggled:  
  
"Maybe you should bathe more often!"  
  
"I'm not taking insults from you even if you're sleep-talking!" raged Naruto at his teacher, who managed to look completely innocent. The shinobi student rolled his sleeves [but unrolled them again immediately because it was so cold] thinking about the best ways to wreak revenge on Kakashi- sensei. "STOP THAT!" he yelled at Sakura, who still kept laughing and rolling in the snow [her dress would surely look awful the following day].  
  
"Naruto, the amazing raamen ninja!" she howled, but after seeing the menacing look on Naruto's face she decided to drown her laughter into snow.  
  
"I'm tired of everyone laughing at me!" Naruto said gnashing his teeth. "Just wait... I'll become the next Hokage and then I will be the one laughing!"  
  
Just the moment Sasuke happened to utter a sound in his sleep, which Naruto construed as laughter.  
  
"And you! Just laugh when you still can! When I bear the Hokage name, all the girls will like me instead of you!"  
  
"What on earth are you talking about?" Kakashi murmured. "It's the boys who like you, not the girls."  
  
This statement was followed by a long silence. Naruto and Sakura had both frozen, and it was obvious it wasn't because of coldness. Kakashi and Sasuke continued their sleep peacefully, like the fact Kakashi had articulated would have been crystal clear.  
  
"W - WHAT?!" Naruto screamed on top of his lungs. Sakura just stared at her teacher.  
  
"You didn't know?" Kakashi muttered and he and Sasuke let out a little chuckle. "Baka."  
  
"What the hell are you saying?" Naruto growled. "I - I don't like _boys_!!"  
  
"Oh, but they like you", Kakashi said cheerfully. Finally, Sakura was able to open her mouth.  
  
"There's no way anyone sane would like Naruto, especially a boy! Yuck!" she exclaimed in horror. Naruto, who was already furious, somehow took this as an insult and started yelling:  
  
"Like you would know, you only see that pretty boy Sasuke! I bet that if we made one choose he would prefer me over you and your big forehead!"  
  
"What's wrong with my forehead, you idiot?!" was Sakura's turn to yell. "Are you seriously saying that a boy could fall in love with_ you_?!!"  
  
Naruto was about to answer, when he realized what he had just said, and just kept quiet instead. But Kakashi didn't.  
  
"Sure", he stated. Sakura glared at him, trying to send the jounin to hell with her gaze.  
  
"Like who, for example?" she snapped. Kakashi's scarf moved again: a smile had appeared on his face.  
  
"Well, he likes Naruto", he said. After a while the two students realized that he was talking about Sasuke.  
  
"Th - that's ridiculous!" they shouted in unison.  
  
"Sasuke doesn't like boys!" Sakura insisted. "Even if - even if he did, he wouldn't like Naruto!"  
  
"No, he does. Admit it, Sasuke", argued Kakashi. Sasuke let out a small laugh.  
  
"Oops. You blew my cover", he muttered and even blushed. Sakura's mouth was wide open: she couldn't say anything of her shock [Inner Sakura was screaming out loud though].  
  
"You're lying!" shrieked Naruto and ran to the sleeping Sasuke, pointing at him with an accusing finger. "Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! You planned this with Kakashi-sensei! Admit it, you're lying, dammit! Sasuke, you idiot, you liar, admit it!"  
  
"It must sound unbelievable to you two airheads", answered Sasuke without any kind of guilt in his voice. "It is against all odds, but I find Naruto very... interesting."  
  
Before either of them could react, Kakashi continued the revelations:  
  
"He's not the only one, of course. Rock Lee too."  
  
"WHAT?! The egghead?!" Naruto coughed.  
  
"Thick eyebrows?!" squealed Sakura as well. She was as pale as the snowdrift behind her back. Even Sasuke frowned a little.  
  
"I thought he had a thing for Sakura", he muttered, confused. Kakashi let out an amused snort and clarified:  
  
"Yes, he _had_ a thing for her. But I guess Naruto's natural charm changed the position... or then it was the smell of raamen..."  
  
"But, but..." tried Naruto.  
  
"And the milk man Gai as well", Kakashi told. Sakura wheezed:  
  
"There's - there's no way you mean that _Gai-sensei_ likes Naruto!"  
  
"Yes, yes, he does", convinced Kakashi-sensei, nodding a couple of times. "Right after our teams had been shared he came to me, saying that he was really mad because I, his so-called rival, had got the 'cute fox demon boy' instead of him. I laughed at him, of course."  
  
"You - you must be joking", Naruto whined and almost lost his balance - he had to lean against Sasuke's head to stay in a vertical position. He was stupefied by the fact that all these people suddenly had an eye on him. "Well, at least he's the worst we could have - "  
  
"Who said that? The sand boy Gaara likes you too..." Kakashi said, like he was teasing Naruto. The boy let out a hollow scream and fell on the snowdrift.  
  
"Gaara?!" yelled Sakura, who was still on her feet.  
  
"Yes, it seems that demon boys tend to be attracted to each other. And the other boy in his team... Kankuro", informed Kakashi and raised his hand to correct his scarf. The sound Naruto let out told them exactly what he thought about that.  
  
"You've forgotten Shino, Aburame Shino, remember?" Sasuke interrupted. Kakashi nodded and added:  
  
"And that Inuzuka Kiba, too. Why else would he have said 'Lucky' when he got to fight you? Because you'd be an easy opponent? Please..."  
  
"NO WAY!" screamed Naruto, but Kakashi continued:  
  
"Besides, he was trying to grasp you during the whole fight. You really didn't notice?"  
  
"I did", Sasuke said quickly. Sakura looked at him, bewildered.  
  
"You weren't there!" she yelled. Sasuke frowned again, then laughed out a little.  
  
"Baka, you thought I would miss Naruto's battle? I could've killed Kiba, dammit. If he had touched Naruto's ass, I would've kicked his."  
  
Naruto lost all the colour from his face in half a second. He was now sitting beside Sasuke, but swiftly moved away from him.  
  
"Let's see", Kakashi mumbled irritatingly. "Then we have Shikamaru... and Chouji - probably because of the raamen... and the Sound guys and that Kabuto, that's why he was so eager to help you out in the Forest of Death... and Neji, that's why he hated Hinata so much. She was her rival for the secret jutsus AND for love."  
  
Sakura let out a loud 'oo-oooh' and fainted. Naruto made clear that he was very uncomfortable.  
  
"Don't forget Yoroi. He wanted to defeat me so that I wouldn't be able to steal you away from him", Sasuke told, smiling contented. "That was not to happen, thanks to me."  
  
"You're making all that up", tried Naruto, but his voice was so hollow neither one of the sleeping could hear him. Sakura didn't seem disturbed by the fact that her head was covered in snow.  
  
"And his teammate", added Kakashi-sensei. "Oh, and then there was Konohamaru and his friends - children can be really cute when they adore someone - "  
  
"KONOHAMARU??!! You've gone mad! You're crazy! Insane!" Naruto howled, but Kakashi was merciless.  
  
"And his teacher, Ebisu. I think he fell for you when you performed Harem no Jutsu on him", he told, wiping away the snow from his hair. "Just like Zabuza, he liked you for your techniques as well."  
  
"What?" whined Naruto wearily.  
  
"Zabuza", repeated Sasuke in a friendly way. "And Haku, too."  
  
"Not to forget Iruka. He always treated you to raamen - he's so transparent", Kakashi reminded him. "And stupid. He goes for a no-good shinobi student when he could have a jounin like me."  
  
Naruto missed the end of the line trying to bury himself next to Sakura. But Kakashi's words penetrated even through the snow:  
  
"The Hokage likes you as well... and Mizuki, no matter how hard he tried to trick himself... and Hayate. He was always coughing when he looked at you..."  
  
"He was coughing NO MATTER what he did!" Naruto muffled through the snow - he didn't really feel like returning to the surface.  
  
"He kept holding up your fight to give you a chance to overcome Kiba", explained Kakashi-sensei like he would've been explaining about recent weather changes. "He couldn't do anything in front of the audience, but he wouldn't have let Kiba go in case he'd have won."  
  
"Bah, he could've easily done something. Everyone were cheering for Naruto anyway", muttered Sasuke resentfully. "You know why."  
  
"You've got plenty of options there, don't you?" Kakashi sneered and snored a couple of times.  
  
"He'll choose me!" declared Sasuke. "Or else."  
  
Finally, Naruto's head popped out of the snowdrift.  
  
"I don't believe you", he blustered, choosing the easiest way to deal with the information. "You're making all that up. Everything has a natural cause. You two have just lost it. That's it. Lies. All lies."  
  
Kakashi's scarf moved, which made clear he was grinning in his sleep.  
  
"You know what? There's Orochimaru too", he informed. "He wanted Sasuke for the Sharingan... but he wants you for totally - other things."  
  
"That perverted old man", murmured Sasuke, angrily. "I'll get him... the next time..."  
  
Sasuke's head dropped on his chest. It seemed that he was now fast asleep. Naruto just stared at his teacher, who said, irritated:  
  
"Now you've kept me talking for so long that I can't sleep in peace anymore... I think I'll just read."  
  
Calmly Kakashi-sensei took his book, opened it again and happily started reading it, his right eye still closed and snoring loud, letting out small sounds in the good parts.  
  
In the morning the whole group was treated raamen in a restaurant nearby. Naruto and Sakura were unusually quiet, concentrating on their food. Kakashi, who had already finished his meal, watched their eating and finally asked:  
  
"Are you two okay? You're all acting like Sasuke."  
  
Sasuke glowered at him, but said nothing. The two others almost jumped out of their skin and burst into talk in unison:  
  
"What do you mean, what are you talking about, we're acting like we always do, don't you think? We're being cheerful just as always, aren't we? Don't you agree, Sasuke?"  
  
The two of them let out a loud fake laughter at the end of their excuse list. The other two looked just like they didn't believe a word.  
  
"Uumm, ahem, we, um, we were just... uh, last night, you... you were talking in your sleep..." Sakura tried to explain. Kakashi snorted.  
  
"Ninjas don't talk in their sleep", he said, determined.  
  
"That's right", Sasuke agreed, looking sharply at his fellow students. "You didn't know that?"  
  
Naruto and Sakura looked at each other. Only the two of them knew that in fact the truth was the opposite.  
  
"Sure, we did!" Naruto exclaimed, in his normal cheeky tone. "We're not that stupid - we just thought you might be!"  
  
"What was that?" Sasuke snapped, jumping onto his feet and glaring at Naruto. They started their usual staring contest. Sakura's mind wandered back to the day when the two boys had accidentally kissed each other. Inside her mind, Inner Sakura was teasing her:  
  
"Don't you try, you're just as bad as all the others... admit it... you like shounen ai just as much as the next person!"  
  
Sakura's head turned automatically to Kakashi, who had once again begun reading his book. She smiled weakly and turned back to the arguing boys.  
  
"You know something? You're right!"

* * *

The End xD So, how did you like it? In case you didn't get a couple of the jokes, we're explaining them right here: 1) In Finnish, our mother tongue, Gai's surname 'Maito' means 'milk'. We find it very amusing. 2) Don't you think 'egghead' suits Rock Lee fine? xD He's a great guy, but he looks a bit... funny. Please review and tell us about your feelings, we might do more this kind of plotless, stupid stuff... 


End file.
